A Reflection on Resolutions

How Do We Set New Year’s Resolutions After A Year Like 2020?

How do we set New Year’s resolutions when we don’t even know what this next year will look like? How do we set resolutions when we’ve spent the last 9 months just trying to get by in a space of great unknown and uncertainty? Well, first off, and this may come as a shock… I have absolutely no idea. But I want to share some thoughts and reflections that have helped me in considering these “resolutions”. SPOILER: I give absolutely no answers to this question but I hope others might reflect on this year with me and ultimately have some helpful takeaways. If not, oh well — I wish you all the best.

2020 has been a year of reflection — much of it forced (quarantine, virtual everything, lots of alone time, etc.) but nonetheless a lot of reflection. For me, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned a lot about how I interact with others. I’ve learned through highs and lows that my body is a body and it will change. I’ve learned through days and nights alone that feelings will come and go. They are heavy and crash down like a wave at times, while other moments are filled with warmth and bliss. I’ve learned that I don’t always have to be the “happy go-lucky” friend and that being sad or feeling down isn’t a bad thing. I wish I could tell you right now that through all this reflection I’ve learned to love myself. I haven’t. But I did make some progress and that’s enough for me right now. I spent a lot of this year trying to “just stay positive” but in all honesty — that got old and wasn’t fair to me or those around me. Yes, we learned a lot of the “little things” to appreciate. Yes, there’s a lot to be grateful for in our lives. Yes, we are fortunate. There were also tough times, situations, moments. There are times where you GET to be sad and down and those times are chosen by you. No one gets to compare that moment to their own or any other. Someone having it “worse off” doesn’t make your moment, feelings, or thoughts invalid and it doesn’t take away from their experience either. So where does this leave us and where do we go from here?

I had the absolute pleasure to speak with Dr. Alfiee M. Breland-Noble (check out her podcast “Couched in Color” and her other work as it is all very admirable and inspiring) the other day and I left the conversation refueled and confident in my passions. The most important takeaway — the journey of discovery. That is what life is, isn’t it? We’ve been told for most of our lives to follow our dreams — but what about if those dreams change, how are we judged or supported then? In my opinion, the journey of discovery is the true beauty of life. It’s not about “just staying positive” or “following your dream”, it’s about listening and trusting yourself. As Dr. Alfiee told me — playing your position. Do what you can, go after what YOU want, and don’t try to do it all — just play your position. If we control what we can control… If we make decisions thoughtfully through being truly present… If we play our position it is simultaneously supporting others. The beauty of this — your position can change. You will discover more about yourself, others, society, the world, etc. as you live. So why not enjoy it? The journey is the beautiful part and it will lead me where I need to go. Anyway… I say all this to say — feel those feelings, let those emotions flow, appreciate the journey, and in the wise words of a great mentor of mine (Jim, your clouds are never far away) “do what feels right”.

So — back to the resolutions. While you didn’t ask for it, my advice is to do what feels right. Reflect on why you are choosing certain resolutions. Will these feed your soul? Do these make you feel good? Who will be the judge? What does “completion” or “success” look or feel like? Be kind to yourself in setting these resolutions and the journey you have with each of them. Be kind in letting your heart and mind change its course. The most important piece of all this — is the journey of discovery. My resolutions this year — be kind to myself and my journey. That doesn’t mean it will always be pretty, that doesn’t mean it will always be clear, but if I keep this as my foundation and remind myself of this I can face any challenges and barriers with thoughtfulness and self-love. I’ll use this as a guide in setting my goals and intentions but this is where I’m starting for now and that’s okay. Don’t spend your time comparing yourself to others, for each and everyone of us are on our own journey and are simply incomparable to anyone else’s. I welcome you to the new year and hope you can take some time to be kind to yourself. Give yourself some love. Do what feels right. Be present and willing to go on this journey. And please please PLEASE remember — you are not alone. You are not a bother. You are SO loved. You are you and that’s all you need to be.

I’m surprised you made it through that ramble and decided to stay. Whether I know you or not, I really hope you find the time to give yourself some love and to be kind to yourself. Before you go, I want you to know that from the outside people probably thought I lived a pretty great life this year (to the best you can in the midst of a pandemic) but in all honesty I’ve hit lower lows than I ever thought possible this year. Yes, I’ve “accomplished” a lot — I got into grad schools and am currently a Master’s of Social Work student at a top-ranked university. I was fortunate to keep my full-time job and I am doing clinical work at an incredible organization. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of the things I’ve accomplished this year, I’m very proud of myself for making it through. However, I still had those lows. I share this because too often I hear people searching, striving, seeking “happiness” as some sort of destination. While I’ll save that rant for another day — I want you to know that you get to feel whatever you want whenever you want. I also want you to know that that’s not easy and I don’t want you to feel like you have to do it on your own the way I’ve felt for years. You are not “weak” for reaching out or leaning on others. Nothing is “wrong” with you for seeking mental health support and resources. Nobody gets to shame you for feeling emotions — we all do. You are not defined by what you do or not do. By what you “achieve” or not “achieve”. You just lived through a very stressful year and I hope you know you did your best — no one can tell you otherwise.

I don’t know what this letter means to anyone else.. all I know and all I can control is that it was written from my heart. It was written with the best intentions. and it was written in hopes that you’ll join me in appreciating each of our journeys of discovery. Love and gratitude to you all and welcome to 2021.